Victoria Wood - The Ballad of Barry and Freda

Freda and Barry sat one night
The sky was clear. The stars were bright
The wind was soft. The moon was up
Freda drained her cocoa cup

She licked her lips. She felt sublime
She switched off Gardeners' Question Time
Barry cringed in fear and dread
As Freda grabbed his tie, and said:

Let's do it!
Let's do it
Do it while the mood is right!
I'm feeling
Appealing
I've really got an appetite

I'm on fire
With desire
I could handle half the tenors in a male voice choir
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

But he said:

I can't do it
I can't do it
I don't believe in too much sex
This fashion
For passion
Turns us into nervous wrecks
No derision!
My decision
I'd rather watch The Spinners on the television
I can't do it
I can't do it tonight

So she said:

Let's do it!
Let's do it
Do it till our hearts go boom!
Go native
Creative
Living in the living room

This folly
Is jolly
Bend me over backwards on me Hostess trolley
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

But he said:

I can't do it
I can't do it
Me 'eavy breathing days have gone
I'm older
Feel colder
It's other things that turn me on
I'm imploring:
I'm boring
Let me read this catalogue on vinyl flooring
I can't do it
I can't do it tonight

So she said:

Let's do it!
Let's do it
Have a crazy night of love!
I'll strip bare
I'll just wear
Stilettos and an oven glove

Don't starve a
Girl of a palaver
Dangle from the wardrobe in your Balaclava
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

But he said:

I can't do it
I can't do it
I know I'd only get it wrong
Don't angle
For me to dangle
Me arms 'ave never been that strong

Stop pouting
Stop shouting
You know I pulled a muscle when I did that grouting
I can't do it
I can't do it tonight

Let's do it!
Let's do it
Share a night of wild romance
Frenetic
Poetic!
This could be your last big chance

To quote Milton
To eat Stilton
To roll in gay abandon on the tufted Wilton
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

I can't do it
I can't do it
I've got other little jobs on hand
Don't grouse
Around the house
I've got a busy evening planned

Stop nagging
I'm flagging
You know as well as I do that the pipes want lagging
I can't do it
I can't do it tonight

Let's do it!
Let's do it
While I'm really in the mood!
Three cheers!
It's years
Since I caught you even semi-nude

Be drastic
Gymnastic
Wear your baggy Y-fronts with the loose elastic
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

I can't do it
I can't do it
I must refuse to get undressed
I feel silly
It's too chilly
To go without me thermal vest

Don't choose me
Don't use me
Me mother sent a note to say you must excuse me
I can't do it
I can't do it tonight

Let's do it!
Let's do it!
I feel I absolutely must
I won't exempt you
Want to tempt you
Want to drive you mad with lust

No cautions
Just contortions!
Smear an avocado on me lower portions
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

I can't do it
I can't do it
It's really not my cup of tea
I'm harassed
Embarrassed
I wish you hadn't picked on me

No dramas!
Give me me pyjamas
The only girl I'm mad about is Judith Chalmers
I can't do it
I can't do it tonight

Let's do it!
Let's do it!
I really want to run amok
Let's wiggle
Let's jiggle
Let's really make the rafters rock

Be mighty
Be flighty
Come and melt the buttons on me flameproof nightie
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

Let's do it!
Let's do it!
I really want to rant and rave
Let's go
Cause I know
Just how I want you to behave:

Not bleakly
Not meekly
Beat me on the bottom with a Woman's Weekly
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

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